Anonymous asked: You should give up Nicolas Cage for lent, instead of my twin. -- Regina
With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, here are some quick tips on setting up a perfect date with your weaker half.
- Be sure to make dinner plans in advance. Nothing is worse than having to listen to your woman complain because you didn’t make reservations.
- Tell your significant other about the plans in advance. Surprises are not a good idea. What if she doesn’t like the place? Then you’re stuck eating a meal with her at a place she doesn’t like and you’ll never hear the end of it.
- Don’t spend too much money. The average cost of a spouse throughout marriage is an arm and a leg. You’re already on the brink of uselessness at that point, so there’s no use in losing even more limbs.
- Tell her to dress up. If you must be seen in public together then she better turn some heads.
- Surprise her with flowers. She will think you’re sweet, but in reality it is training her for the future when she must tend to the fields and gardens.
- Valentine’s Day is one day. It is not a week long event, and should not be treated as such.
- When the day is over, secure her body. The feminine form is something that needs to he seized, much like the day. However, do not have sex. Sex may mislead her into believing you have feelings for her petty soul. Simply enjoy her body and then leave.
Anonymous asked: i'm a girl and i was wondering if u guys are single ;)
One of us is
What do men care about ugliness? All that matters to them is land, yokes of oxen, and a submissive bitch that will give them something to eat.
Dr. Seuss’s The Lorax
'I'd rather carry sacks to the mill than sit in these dark rooms day after day.'
'That's what a woman does.'
- Homer’s The Odyssey
We may have jumped the gun a bit. While we guided you through the first date, we failed to specify how to acquire said date. We will guide you through this very simple process in an easy-to-follow method.
- Find a girl you like. This is self-explanatory. If you have any common sense, she should be reserved, self-contained, and simple minded. Keep in mind this is a guide for beginners, so if your goal is to coerce complex, outspoken women, keep an eye out for our “advanced guide to dating” a little bit later.
- Don’t waste your time planning out an elaborate scheme to get her to like you. Love has very little to do with this budding relationship. There should be several physical characteristics to watch for: wide hips, strong arms, and a small mouth. These characteristics are important in a good wife. Wide hips are a sign for plentiful child bearing. Strong arms show that she is used to physical labor, which will be good for child rearing. A small mouth is an obvious indicator that she has very little to say, which will come in handy when you’re watching the big game while she makes dinner.
- Once you’ve identified your target, use this simple formula to make your move. “Hey (her name here). I noticed that you don’t have a man in your life. I will now be that man.” And you’re in! If you’ve chosen correctly, she will respond with, “Okay.” If you’ve chosen a more complex target, she might say, “Get away from me, creep!” If this is the case, withdraw respectfully and wait for our “advanced guide to dating” later on.
- If she accepted your proposition (this is a better term than relationship, because it’s more of a business agreement than a bond of love) then you’re gold. Go on a few dates just to be sure. Keep them simple, though; dinner can get expensive, so you’re better off just getting coffee or watching a movie at your own residence. Marriage is right around the corner.
That wasn’t so hard, was it? If you have any more questions, feel free to use the “ASK” button located at the top of this page. It’s there for a reason!
When you are out on a date (with a woman of course), make sure the woman does not speak. If the woman speaks, there is a good chance that she will raise issues that she finds important. The real truth here is hidden - a woman’s thoughts are not important to anyone, especially you. A date is meant to be a time where you tell a woman all about yourself and prove that you can provide not only for her, but for her offspring as well. You are a man. She will never understand such a concept.
When you go on a second date, again make sure she does not speak. On the second date she might think she has the right to say something to you, but in reality she does not. Let her know this, verbally. Then bring it up again in private. You see, sometimes women have trouble comprehending things. But by letting her know a second time, you can use this against her when she claims that you had not made your point well enough. A man always makes his point and he makes them perfectly and without flaws.
Consider the Disney rendition of Cinderella. Most people are familiar with this story: Cinderella is a servant to her evil stepsisters and stepmother. They work her to the bone night and day. One night, her Fairy Godmother visits her and allows her to attend the royal ball. There, she meets Prince Charming, and it’s love at first sight. Unfortunately, Cinderella’s dress and carriage are only illusions, so she is forced to leave as the clock strikes twelve, accidentally leaving an infamous glass slipper behind. The Prince searches through the whole kingdom in order to find his lost lover. The two are reunited, and they live happily ever after. All is well in the Disney universe. However, the important thing to take away from this story is only discovered if you think about the story backwards. It then becomes an inspiring story of an unjustly privileged woman who is put in her place through the use of male chauvinism.
Motivational fairy tales aside, it is clear through research and science that men are the dominate species. Since the beginning of history, men have been dominant over women in every form of art and business. Men like Vincent Van Gogh and John D. Rockefeller have proved that the trials and tribulations of life are only survivable by the male gender. Where were women in history? Traditionally, women have been the gatherers of our society, providing nutritional and sexual sustenance for the men they have been allowed to bond with. However, in modern society, women have started to think that they are privileged and capable of rational and constructive thought. The aim of this blog is to guide the male species through a world where women have brought destruction.